


You'll Breathe Again

by ywhiterain



Series: breatheverse [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate History, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-14
Updated: 2012-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-03 15:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ywhiterain/pseuds/ywhiterain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Angelus succeeding in taking almost everyone she loved away, Buffy struggles to start over with Faith and Wesley.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You'll Breathe Again

1  
Xander's eyes shot open.

Her hands shaking, Buffy said, "I just wanted to say goodbye. Before."

Before he could say anything, Buffy shoved the stake in his heart. He turned to dust.

"Goodbye." She felt her lips moving, but couldn't hear her own voice. She wondered numbly whose house this belonged to before they'd all been murdered just so Xander could have a bed to die in.

"How sweet," Buffy jerked around; she could hear that voice. She knew that voice.

"Get out of here," Buffy hissed.

Angel walked towards her, grinning. "Shouldn't you be trying to kill me?"

Buffy held up the stake she'd just killed one of her best friends with. "I will."

"Do you want me to escape?" Angel - Angelus knocked the stake out of her hand, shoved her down on the bed, and straddled her. Despite herself, Buffy felt her pulse throbbing and her skin humming as Angelus leaned over so close their lips were touching. "Lover."

Buffy flinched and Angelus kissed her.

She curled her hands in the sheets and felt the dust of Xander's body. Enraged, she growled and kicked him off of her; but not before he licked the side of her lip.

"I'm going to kill you," Buffy hissed.

It was pointless; he was gone.

21  
She felt like she couldn't be surprised anymore; shouldn't be. But the world didn't work that way. So she only blinked when she found Spike sniffing on the swingset.

"I have to hear this," Buffy said, folding her arms.

"Dru left me," Spike said sadly. He jerked his head up and glared at her. "And it's all your fault."

Buffy didn't even move. "Is there a reason I haven't killed you yet? I'm starting to think I should."

"Fine," Spike snapped, standing up and spreading out his arms. "She just wants to be friends, so what's the point of it all?"

"If you're just going to take all the fun out of it," Buffy said. "It's almost not worth it." She gave his bloodshot eyes a long look as she took out her stake. "Almost. I'd be doing the world a favor at any rate."

"What are you waiting for?" Spike asked, impatient.

Buffy may have hesitated more a year before. "Do you know why Angel got his soul back before I staked him?"

Spike slid back into the swing and grinned. "Maybe I've got a reason to hang on for a bit, now, Slayer."

Buffy narrowed her eyes and moved quickly to close the space between them. She grabbed the chains of the swing and hissed, "Don't count on it. I don't want to know that much."

"Love," he sounded pitying. Buffy responded by tearing off the swing he was in and knocking him down. "He made sure you'd spend the rest of your life caring."

Buffy kicked him and turned around. "Leave. Next time I'll kill you."

2  
"Hey, Buffy."

A brief pause. "Xander is dead."

There was a sharp sound; Willow had dropped the phone. Buffy was too numb to even flinch.

22  
"You were out late," Faith said. "You should've brought me along."

Buffy snorted. "I was just walking."

Something flickered in Faith's eyes before she shrugged. "Whatever."

Buffy wasn't so numb she couldn't feel guilt. "Next time I'll ask."

"Let's do it tonight, B. It'll annoy Wesley," Faith took two cokes out of the refrigerator. "I've been wanting to see if we could get him to develop a new twitch for ages."

Buffy caught the can Faith threw at her and smiled in spite of herself. "Sure."

3  
"That's what happens when you hide things from your mother," Angelus chided as Buffy fell to her knees next to her mother.

From the corner of her eyes, she saw him lean against a tree as she pressed her fingers on her mom's neck in order to check her pulse. The neck was clearly snapped, but she had had had to be sure.

"This is the part where you tell me you'll kill me for real, for real," Angelus said. "And you'll act all threatening until I get really bored and walk away."

"I would," Buffy found herself admitting, "but I can't move." Her eyes were stinging, but she couldn't cry.

23  
"I don't suppose you'll give me any useful information about your patrol tonight, will you?" Wesley asked dryly.

"Faith usually wants ribs after killing near the full moon," Buffy offered as she spread some peanut butter on the toast she'd made. She thought Faith must be rubbing off on her because she was starting to get hungry after killing demons.

"I must wonder, would it kill you to acknowledge that I am your Watcher now?" Wesley asked, setting down his diary and pen in order to fold his arms.

Buffy turned around from him and said, making her voice sound sad, "It just might. Better safe than sorry." She began to walk out of the kitchen as she continued, "Fourth rule under preparation, preparation, preparation."

4  
"Do you know," Angel said, grabbing Buffy's wrists and pulling her forward, "how it felt when Willow screamed as I cut off Oz's head?"

Angelus Buffy reminded herself as she shoved him away as hard as she could and took out her stake. "Do you know how it'll feel when I put this through you?"

"Her heart is still beating," Angelus said as he gave a pointed look towards Willow's still body a few feet away from where they were standing. "Do you really have enough time to kill me and save her?"

24  
"I remember telling you to leave," Buffy said.

He tossed her the cue stick he had been holding. "Funny thing. I don't listen to Slayers."

"Funny thing," Buffy said and broke the stick in half. "This is made of wood."

Spike grabbed two more cue sticks and and gave her a very unkind smile. "Win and I'll tell you how he got his soul back."

"And if you win?" Buffy asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Play me again every night until you do," Spike said.

Buffy walked smoothly over to the vampire and grabbed one of the cue sticks he was holding.

"I go first."

5  
"The doctor said that you probably won't wake up," Buffy said, tightening her grip on Willow's hand. "But I know you can. Come on, Will." She licked her lips and said softly enough so no one would hear her voice croak even though she was alone, "I need you."

25  
"And he just plays against you every night? And he's been doing this for a week?" Faith asked as she set her feet on the end table.

"I know. It's weird," Buffy said, leaning back on the arm of the couch and slowly switching her can of soda from one hand to the other. She tried not to think about the fact that if Faith had been Willow, she would have told her the night after the first game.

"We all have our kinks," Faith said with a shrug, and after thinking it over for a moment, she added casually, "But I'll stake him if I see him causing trouble."

"Just make sure you kick him for me before you do," Buffy said. "Hard."

"You have it bad, Buff." Faith's voice was unusually soft.

Buffy meant to make a joke about soap operas, but the only thing she could mutter was, "Yeah."

6  
"I know I should be working on Angelus more," Buffy told Giles during her lunch break. "But Willow needs me to be there for her."

Giles closed his book and set it on the desk, next to the computer. "You have nothing to explain, Buffy. I more than understand."

When Buffy started to cry, he walked over to stand next to her and ran his fingers through her hair. She immediately moved to press her face in his shoulder so that no one could see her sob.

"I'm tired," she said and clenched his arms as hard as she could.

It had to hurt, but he didn't complain. "Buffy - just know you're not alone."

Fear suddenly took over her. She pulled away just enough so she could look up at him. "Don't let him kill you too."

"I won't," Giles said. "I promise."

26  
It has been exactly three months since Giles died. Buffy wanted to hit something and make it bleed.

Buffy found Wesley reading some old dusty books in the dinning room. She sat down across from him and watched him until he looked up.

"Giles was a better Watcher than you," she said and enjoyed the way he flinched very slightly.

"I had gathered you felt that way," Wesley said. He took off his glasses and cleaned them. She wanted to both cry and hit something. "Nevertheless - "

She interrupted him. "And you know what? He was a terrible liar who breaks promises." She reached over and grabbed the book he was reading. "So I wonder what that says about you?"

"At least both of his Slayers are still alive," he said and he sounded very young.

"Tell me that when the person you love the most destroys everything that matters to you and it's all your -," Buffy halted and then stared at him. He held pity in his eyes and she hated him more than she'd ever hated anything in her entire life.

She stood up slowly, his book in her hands, and then threw it at his face just hard enough to bruise it before storming up to her mother's room.

7  
"She won't become a vampire."

Buffy tightened her grip on Cordelia's head and didn't turn around. "Why should I trust you?"

She heard him walk over to her. When he was close enough, he set his hand on her head. "You can't."

Buffy let go of Cordelia, turned around, and grabbed the wrists. "Why Cordelia? I don't even like her."

"Because it'll be another person you were too weak to save," Angelus said.

Buffy stood up, not letting go of his hands.

"I'm curious," he said as she turned around to face him. "Are you going to chop off her head now or stake her after you say good bye?"

Buffy forcefully told herself not to think about Xander as she shoved Angleus to the ground. "I've got just enough time to kill you, make sure Cordelia doesn't become a vampire, and catch a late night movie. Are you off your game?"

Angelus smiled. "Turn around."

Buffy turned her head and swallowed. She heard Angelus stand up and close the distance between them.

"Minions are annoying," Angelus said into her neck. "But they do have their uses." He kissed the top of her head before shoving her forward. "Have fun."

27  
"You're playing even worse than usual."

Buffy didn't have to turn around to know Spike was giving her a thoughtful look.

"I've had a sucky day," Buffy said and missed the green ball she'd been aiming for completely.

Today would have been her first day of her senior year of high school if she hadn't dropped out.

8  
"Little tired," Willow said sleepily.

"But you're awake," Buffy said as she gently ran her fingers through Willow's hair.

Willow gave her a small smile.

Things were finally looking up.

28  
"Are you quite insane?" Wesley hissed.

"Let go of my arm," Buffy said, shooting Spike a 'go away or I'll stake you' look that, for once, he listened to. She turned to look at Wesley and continued, "You're almost hurting it."

"I could do a great deal more," Wesley's eyes were blazing. He moved closer to her. "What is going through that head of yours?"

"We were making a date," Buffy said. "Now go away and write about it in your diary. It's the most action you'll ever get."

Wesley's grip tightened so much it actually did hurt some. "Do you think you're the first Slayer to go insane? I can have the Council - "

Buffy jerked away from him. "You can tell the Council to buzz off."

"If you think I'm going to let you make the same mistakes that - "

This time Buffy grabbed him. "I'd like to see you finish that sentence."

For a moment, he looked like he was going to back down as he always did when things got a little rough. "Lie to me."

Buffy froze.

"According his Watcher's diary, you told Mr. Giles to lie to you. Do I have to break that rule to keep you alive?"

Buffy stared at the bruise on his face. She found herself too tired to push away the guilt as she had been doing the past few days.

His voice grew softer, but firmer. "Must I break all the rules?"

She shoved him away. "Do that and you'll die like him."

"I see." This time he sounded old. "I'm just your Watcher, after all."

They walked home together.

9  
"Tick-tock, Lover."

Buffy tore her eyes away from Willow's empty hospital bed.

Angelus grabbed her hand and looked down at her watch. "I give Giles ten minutes."

29  
"Mr. Responsibility wants me to kill Spike," Faith told Buffy.

"Just remember kick him hard for me before you do," Buffy said with a shrug.

"He looked - " Faith stopped. "Come on, I found a nest last night. Want to have some fun?"

Buffy shoved the water bottle back in the refrigerator. "I'm feeling suitably violent."

10  
Buffy broke the Giles' door down. Literally. He hadn't been in the library and it had been over ten minutes and her heart was thumping so hard she felt like it was about to burst through her chest.

"Buffy, what the d-"

"You're alive," Buffy whispered. "And not hurt."

Understanding dawned in his eyes and she started to cry.

30  
"Didn't think you'd show up," Spike said. "Your Watcher looked a tad annoyed."

Buffy almost smiled. "You go first."

"Before you know it, you'll be sharing your food with me," Spike said and she slapped his hand away when he tried to take one of her fries.

"Go." Buffy nodded at their usual pool table. "Before I change my mind."

11  
"Hey, Will," Buffy knelt down next to Willow's tombstone. "I'll have Xander next to you soon. I know he's still the one..."

Buffy swallowed and leaned over to rest her head on the tombstone. When she thought about how Willow would understand how hard this was for her, she found herself crying in a detached and numb way.

31  
"I'm sure you're right. However - "

Buffy paused from turning the doorknob. All traces of Wesley's annoying arrogance had disappeared from his voice.

"Of course I'm not -" a hesitation. "It's just -" A longer hesitation turned into a pause. "I'll be sure to implement your advice, Father."

Buffy sorely wished he'd stop being a person.

12  
Buffy picked up the phone. Carefully dialed the number on the card she was holding. She thought: please.

The operator on the other side of the line had a nice voice. But she only wanted to hear her father's.

32  
"You know what happened to my family," Buffy said, staring at her mother's grave and wishing a vampire would just show up. "What happened to yours?"

Faith's voice was distant. "Don't think I ever had one."

Buffy turned around sharply, feeling horrified and ready to say something but Faith moved to press her hand on her mouth.

"Let's go find some real action, B."

"I'm up for it." Buffy thought about how this would annoy Wesley as she lead Faith out of the graveyard.

13  
She heard the doctors say that Giles had been tortured for several hours before being killed.

Buffy knew it would have been days if Angelus had had the time.

33  
"You're supposed to play to win, love."

"I am," Buffy said.

"A man starts to wonder when the Slayer gets progressively worse at the game," Spike said.

Buffy turned around. "A Slayer sticks pointy things in evil demons," she made a motion with her cue stick to demonstrate her point. "Not much math is involved."

"Do you know what the first stage of grief - "

Buffy glared at him. "I am playing to win, Spike."

She hated the way he smiled at her. "It's your turn."

14  
Something in Angelus' eyes had changed and he'd mouthed 'Buffy' just before he turned to dust.

34  
Buffy sat down across from Wesley. This time she took no pleasure at all in the way he flinched slightly.

"You people have this really annoying habit," Buffy said.

Wesley took off his glasses and cleaned them. Buffy wanted to scream but she settled for clenching her fists underneath the table.

"You people?"

Watchers, adults. Turning into a person. Buffy meant to say, but her voice caught in her throat. It was painful enough that she kept seeing Giles every time she looked at Wesley.

Abruptly, Buffy shoved away from the table and stood up. "Don't go to bed early. I'm going to patrol."

"Ah yes," Wesley said. He put his glasses back on and leaned back into his chair. "You'll need to mock me before you get a proper nights' rest."

"If you're going to get all snippy then I won't tell you how it goes," Buffy said. She turned around to make sure she wouldn't have to see the look on his face.

She wasn't going to let him die too.

15  
Xander had joked once that his parents wouldn't have even bothered to give him a funeral if he were to die. Willow hadn't scolded him for saying such things when they were all about to die, and it's really not the time to joke about things like that, Alexander Harris. It seemed strange then. Not anymore. Now Buffy knows it hadn't been a joke, not really.

She remembered that conversation on they day of Giles' funeral and it felt like someone had ripped out her lungs and punched her heart.

She left early so she could try and remember how to breathe.

35  
"I feel like getting some naked action," Faith said. She grinned at Buffy and looked her up and down.

"No thanks," Buffy said before Faith could offer. "I'm going to shock Wesley by actually telling him what happened tonight."

Faith gave her a look. "Are you coming down with something?"

Buffy tapped the side of her face. "Yes. Guilt."

"Glad I don't get that," Faith said and slapped Buffy on her shoulder. "You go do that while I have some fun."

16  
Buffy answered the door. A hand shot out. "I'm Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. It's a pleasure -"

Buffy cut him off sharply. "Who are you?"

Wesley smiled and readjusted his tie. "Your new Watcher."

Buffy stared at him.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm almost certain the Council sent you a letter informing you that I would be Mr. Giles' replacement."

Buffy dug her nails into the door knob, took a deep breath, gave Wesley a sweet smile, and then slammed the door shut as hard as she could without breaking it.

36  
Wesley looked shocked when Buffy walked into through the kitchen door, into the dinning room and sat down next to him.

"Got your diary thingy?" Buffy asked.

"Yes," Wesley said, pointing to a red book in the middle of the table. "And it's not a diary thingy, but a patrol log."

"So long as you're the one keep track of it," Buffy said and reached over to grab it. "Before we start," she swallowed and he tensed. "You're not just my Watcher."

"You do have a way with breaking rules," Wesley said, sounding fond and looking happy.

"It's what you'll learn to love about me," Buffy said with a grin. She handed him the book she was holding. "Now write whatever you Watcher people write in these things."

Wesley took the book. "The part where I'm supposed to give you orders - "

Buffy cocked her head and Wesley took out his pen.

17  
Buffy turned around. "I don't need or want a new Watcher."

"I don't think you quite understand how things work," Wesley said between huffs. He wasn't in any shape to be following Buffy when she was running.

"I do," Buffy said. "I have just decided that I don't want a new Watcher. And that's the end."

Wesley twitched between deep breaths. "It's Council regulations that a Slayer has a Watcher at all times."

"I don't do regulations," Buffy said. "And I'm not doing a new Watcher." She turned around.

Wesley grabbed her wrist. "Wait. When I came to your house yesterday, I couldn't help but notice a pile of unopened envelopes - one of which will with no doubt contain a letter informing you of my arrival. I can assume that a great deal of them are bills - "

Buffy turned around and gave him a hard look. "That's none of your business."

Wesley flinched before explaining, "A Watcher's pay is supposed to help the Slayer."

"Fine," Buffy ignored the relieved look in his eyes. "But you'll just be my Watcher."

He looked mildly confused.

"Come on," Buffy said before he could question her any more. "I have a spare key for you. You can have the guest room."

37  
"This is the last game," Buffy told Spike.

"Really think you'll win, pet?" Spike asked.

"No." Buffy grabbed a cue stick.

Spike walked over to stand behind her. "You don't want to know about Angel anymore?"

Buffy closed her eyes tightly. She wanted to tell Spike to never say Angel's name again. "Tonight you will leave. And I'll never see you again. Because then I will have to kill you."

"Why not kill me now?" Spike asked. His breath brushed across her hair.

Buffy turned around and made sure not to touch him when she did. "We'll flip a coin to see who goes first."

18  
"We need to talk about patrol."

Buffy plopped down on the couch. "I don't anymore." She took the remote control off of the end table. "Strange how I don't much like graveyards anymore." She turned on the TV.

"I realize this may be difficult for you," Wesley said as he sat down next to her. "But it's your duty as a Slayer to - "

"I am going to watch this cartoon," Buffy said. She made sure to keep her voice even and pushed down the urge to throttle Wesley. "And you are never going to finish that sentence."

38  
"So. Do you?" Faith asked as she took one of Buffy's fries and popped it in her mouth.

"Do I what?" Buffy asked.

"Not want to know about Angel? Or did you just get tired of looking at Spike's face?"

Buffy wanted Giles to tell her it would be okay. She wanted Xander to say it was good that Angel was dead. She wanted Willow to say nothing and just hug her. She wanted her mom to cook Buffy her favorite dinner because she knew something was wrong even if she didn't know what.

"I need to move on," Buffy said.

Faith lifted her head slowly. "I hear that's healthy."

Buffy couldn't look at her. "It's complicated."

"I kinda figured," Faith said.

Buffy wanted Faith to take more of her food.

She settled with being glad that Faith didn't walk away.

19  
"You Buffy?"

Buffy was grateful for a reason to turn away from Willow's grave. "Depends. Are you a vampire?"

The girl pointed up at the sun and grinned. "Faith." She tilted her head to the side. "Thought I'd meet my fellow Slayer while I was passing through."

Buffy remembered Kendra. She died after getting off the plane. Angelus had sent her a picture he'd drawn of her head chopped off her body.

"Want to trade Watchers?" Buffy asked and tried to smile.

"Mine's dead," Faith said.

"I know about that," Buffy said and turned around quickly so Faith wouldn't see her cry.

"Hey," Faith set a hand on her shoulder.

Before she could stop herself, Buffy grabbed a handful of Faith's shirt and slipped down to her knees, taking the other Slayer down with her.

"You're not allowed to die," Buffy said because it was childish.

"Slayers are hard to kill," Faith sounded confident.

"Don't just pass through," Buffy said. She couldn't look at Faith. "Stay. Please."

"Yeah, okay," Faith said. "Got a room for me?'

39  
Buffy looked at Giles' old home. No one had moved there yet. Someone had come to puck up the things he hadn't left her, which consisted mostly of furniture and his kitchen things.

She meant to tell him that Wesley wasn't taking his place. But she couldn't say the words. She couldn't even think of the words.

20  
Buffy gave Faith her old room and took her mother's old one for herself.

It hurt much more than she thought it would.

40  
"Brought food."

Buffy and Wesley looked up from the books in front of them to the door where the kitchen and dinning room met, where Faith was standing with a box of pizza.

"What happened to the party you were going to?" Buffy asked as Faith walked over to the table.

"Decided that I'd rather eat," Faith said with a shrug as she sat the box down in the middle of the table, on top of the books, and smirked at Wesley's look of horror. "Can count on it being good more often than sex." She sat down next to Buffy and looked at Wesley. "You have to eat some too."

Wesley wrinkled his nose as he moved his books away from the pizza box. "I'd rather not."

Buffy exchanged a look with Faith as the other girl opened the box. Buffy grabbed a slice and leaned across the table. "Two against one. You lose. Bad American food for Wesley."

"This isn't very appropriate," Wesley said.

Faith gave Buffy a sly look. "Have you ever force fed a guy? If you do it right, it's really a turn-on." She tilted her head and gave Wesley a studying look. "We'd start by taking off his glasses and then - "

Wesley quickly grabbed the slice Buffy was holding it out and took a bite.

0  
"I'm sorry this took so long, Xander," Buffy told him quietly as she traced her fingers slowly across his name. She had just finished engraving it on the back of Willow's tombstone.

There was more she wanted to tell them, but she couldn't find her voice.

She stood up and turned around. Faith and Wesley were standing several yards away, waiting for her.

**Author's Note:**

> I do plan to do more on this for real. Even if it takes ten years. It might.


End file.
